If you follow me on Twitter, or are friends with me on Facebook, you might have noticed that I was up late Wednesday night dealing with a bout of anxiety. I can proudly say that it's been awhile since I've had this issue, but last night was triggered by my over-worrying of Samuel being sick and my most recent RCIA class.
I'm not the only one who thinks the worst when their child is sick, right? Anyone? Anyone?
Wednesday's RCIA class topic was on Death, Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. Remember, my mind is still going rampant with thoughts that my almost-2-year old might stop breathing while he sleeps. The minute Father Jeremy started talking about death I almost couldn't bear sitting through it. I started to silently cry, and prayed that no one would notice.
I can't really begin to describe the feeling I get when I'm about to come down with an anxiety attack. Basically, I feel like I've hit a brick wall and there's no way to climb over it, through it, or under it (going on a bear hunt?) The sense of finality is enough to almost knock me over.
I'm not necessarily worried about what will happen AFTER I die, but rather what I leave behind when I do. I hate thinking in such a materialistic way, but I am so worried about leaving my children and/or my spouse. Who will take care of them? This current season of my life revolves around taking care of my house and family. Knowing that will cease to exist, knowing I will cease to exist, troubles me.
I'm having a difficult time being able to detach myself from my life. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this life is NOT as good as it gets. Something better awaits me. But since those who experience God's glory in Heaven are dead I have no way of knowing what's on the other side. Death is a great mystery, and that fact is what scares me. I don't want to be scared!
Even though I was horribly uncomfortable sitting in a class that was talking about these heavy topics, today I am able to look back, reflect on my notes, talk to a close friend, and deepen my understanding of why my anxiety negates my physical health, but also my spiritual health.
Now, the question arises: Am I living my life for myself or for Jesus?
The parable Jesus told of the barren fig tree was mentioned Wednesday night (Luke 13:6-9). I want to live a life that will bear fruit for Jesus. I don't want Him to be disappointed in me. God created us out of great love, and we're supposed to share in a deep life in communion with the Trinity. We are not guaranteed Heaven so we need to strive to live and grow in holiness.
Paragraph 1010 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, "Because of Christ, Christian death has a positive meaning: 'For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.' 'The saying is sure: if we have died with him, we will also live with him.' What is essentially new about Christian death is this: through Baptism, the Christian has already 'died with Christ' sacramentally, in order to live a new life; and if we die in Christ's grace, physical death completes this 'dying with Christ' and so completes our incorporation into him in his redeeming act..."
How reassuring!
I'm human enough to admit that this all boils down to me having trust issues with God. That seems so silly to say out loud. I should trust Him with every fiber of my being! My spiritual future is uncertain and impossible to know completely. I am weak, but yet I need to have hope. I want to die in sanctifying grace so I may go to Heaven. Please pray for me, friends, that I become vulnerable to Christ's love, and turn my entire life over to God.
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