The cycle of life.

Update: She still had not eaten anything by Monday afternoon, and was then trying to vomit. I called to talk to the vet who said that Pinky would most likely not get better, and that it would be wise to decide how much further we wanted to go. James and I decided it was best to put her to sleep. It was an emotional day for sure. Goodbye, sweet kitty.

For the past few days James and I had noticed that Pinky, our adorable tabby cat, has not been eating. He brought up the possibility that she might not like her food, so when I made my weekly trip to the grocery store I bought a new kind of dry cat food, and also a few cans of wet food to see if that would make a difference in her eating habits. When I got home and opened a can of food, Pinky immediately ran into the kitchen and devoured almost the entire can. I thought the situation was solved. Little did I know that something much more serious was going on.

It took Pinky three days to go through the next can of cat food. That is unusual behavior for her. I threw away the old can, opened a new one, and hoped she would eat the next can. It went untouched for 2 days. Last night I commented to James how Pinky slept in the same spot all day, didn't eat or drink, and therefore never used her litter box. We decided that she needed to be seen at the vet.
This morning, as soon as I dropped Claire off at school, I took Pinky in to see the vet. I was very nervous all morning as I just had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. When I got to the vet and explained the situation, they immediately took her back to run a feline leukemia test. The results weren't good. Thankfully it wasn't leukemia, but it is FIV... the feline equivilent of HIV. I was a crying mess. I told the vet, "You'll have to excuse me. I'm pregnant so my hormones are going to be a little chaotic." Once I calmed down a little bit, she explained the options, then gave me time to call James and discuss what we wanted to do.
Just like in humans, FIV is an auto-immune disease. Pinky, most likey, contracted the virus from her mother, and although she was tested for it when we first adopted her it didn't show up until later. FIV can be treatable, but since we're in the early stages of trying to figure out what to do we haven't gotten there yet. We opted to have fluid put under Pinky's skin to help with dehydration, and a round of antibiotics to see if that will help at all. Nothing we do is guaranteed to work. The goal is to get her through the weekend and go from there.

The hardest part about this whole situation is having to tell 4 year old Claire about the possibility that her cat might die. James and I told her over lunch today that Pinky is very sick. Claire immediately responded with, "I don't want Pinky to die!" Ouch. The potential loss of our cat is painful enough, but to hear those words come from the mouth of my baby just about killed me. When we got home this afternoon it really hit Claire. She started crying, hugged me tight, and kept saying, "I don't want Pinky to die."

I'm just hoping that Pinky pulls through, and that we'll be able to keep our kitty around for a little longer.

Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

I just got done reading this book.

Now, before you start judging me for reading a book by a "controversial" author, take a step back and ask yourself, "Have I ever hated the way I look? the way I feel about myself?" The answer is probably, most likely, a resounding, "YES!" Portia de Rossi's book has very little to do with her relatonship with Ellen Degeneres and everything to do with her struggle with an eating disorder and how she got there. For anyone who has had self-image and confidence issues I HIGHLY suggest reading this book. You will find a moderate amount of yourself, a lot about a disease that affects our society, and a little about how love really makes a difference.

I have always, always had image issues with my body. I can honestly say it started in middle school where most of my classmates were shorter, smaller, and prettier than me. I can't ever remember being shorter than 5'9", as if one day I went from being a little kid to being model height overnight. I have always had birthing hips. At my very first gynecologist appointment at just 15 years old, my doctor even commented on the width of my hips. I've always been a little chubby in my stomach and thighs. I used to envy the girls with flat, tight stomachs, and toned thighs that looked good in shorts. I had short, curly hair that I didn't know how to style, and a jawline and chin that seemed to disappear in my neck. The mindset of not being pretty enough carried over to highschool. It seemed like the girls in highschool were prettier, skinnier, tanner than I was. I hated that when I sat down in a desk I had a mound of stomach fat that rolled over the top of my jeans, but noticed that when the cheerleader girls sat down their stomachs were just as flat as they were when standing.

You know why I think I have body image issues? My mother. I don't mean to say that she's horrible for ruining the way I feel and think about myself, but rather I picked up on the insecurities she felt about her body. I've always thought my mom is beautiful, and hearing her say things about what she hated about her body made me think because they weren't good enough for my gorgeous mother they were definitely not good enough for me.

The transformation of acceptance started in college as I would stop comparing myself to other girls and try to just be me. Sure, I thought I wasn't nearly as pretty as my friends, and standing next to one friend in particular I felt like a fat cow, but in the back of my mind I just accepted the fact that I was who I was. It didn't start coming to the forefront and making a huge impact until moving into our house last year. One day I realized that I had stopped putting so much thought it what I was going to eat, and that I had maintained a healthy weight for a long period of time.

My pregnancy with Claire was textbook. I gained the ideal amount of weight, I had a fantastic delivery, breastfeeding came naturally. Most women don't get their periods while breastfeeding, and most women lose weight while breastfeeding. However, I got my period 3 weeks after Claire was born and continued having one regularly until conceiving my 2nd child. I also gained weight and was at my heaviest while breastfeeding. I weighed 175 pounds and didn't know what I did to get there. The summer I stopped breastfeeding Claire was the summer I went from 175 to 150 pounds. With WeightWatchers I counted points, but as long as I was within my point range I could eat whatever I wanted. I didn't stay with WeightWatchers forever, but it did change the way I ate and continue to eat to this day.

Portia de Rossi was anorexic and bulimic. She had a distorted perception of what she should look like and strived to make her body fit to society's standard. Unfortunately, it is not considered pretty to be over 120 pounds and wearing something other than a size 2. I found it quite enlightening that an extremely beautiful person, such as Portia de Rossi, experienced the same societal pressure as a "normal" human being. At the end of her book she comments,

"If you can acecpt your natural body weight - the weight that is easy for you to maintain, or your 'set point' - and not force it to beneath your body's natural, healthy weight, then you can live your life free of dieting, of restriction, or feeling guilty every time you eat a slice of your kid's birthday cake. But the key is to accept your body just as it is."

"Accept yourself. Love your body the way it is and feel grateful towards it."

"In order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are anot just what you look like."

I am in full agreement with Portia de Rossi that dieting is a "DISORDER." "ORDER" is eating what you want because you know you can always have it tomorrow. "ORDER" is listening to your body's needs and demands.

I highly suggest you read Unbearable Lightness. Maybe you'll be like me and realize, "Hey! I'm really okay with what I look like!" Or maybe you'll realize that you still have some work to do before you're finally comfortable with yourself. Portia de Rossi's book is for anyone and everyone who has struggled with their body image, the way they feel in their body, and gives you a little help in finding peace with who you are.