Healing Heart

It's been 3 weeks to the day since we had to put Pinky to sleep.

To have to make the decision to kill our cat nearly killed me. I was so torn up about the whole process and end result that I couldn't get past it. In true black Mac fashion, I put it in a padlocked box and decided I'd deal with it later.

Later came sooner that I thought.

This past Saturday the Humane Society had their cats and kittens for free. It was a great deal because to adopt kittens, which are what most people want, they charge $99. James had mentioned it to me early in the week, but I was so apprehensive. A million questions ran through my mind, "What about my Christmas tree? Is it too soon? Can't we wait?" James let the decision be up to me, but by Saturday morning I still wasn't sure I was ready for another cat. After begging, pleading, and puppy dog eyes from both my 4 year old and husband I decided to at least try. My father-in-law picked up Claire and James and I were on our way.

The night before James, Claire, and I went to the Humane Society to see what cats and kittens they had. We had decided on a kitten named Sally, so with her in mind we went. We got there at 10:15 (they opened at 11)and were handed a number 40 when the doors were opened. I told James, "If we can't get Sally we're leaving. We'll figure something else out." In part, I was tired of waiting, and I didn't want to go through the process of picking two cats at random to see if we liked them. If we didn't we'd have to get back in line. I was so not in the mood for that. The people three numbers ahead of us adopted Sally. When they called our number we had no other cats in mind to look at. The volunteer was very helpful and took us to a computer where we ended up doing exactly what I didn't want to do: pick 2 cats at random. However, they just so happened to be sisters! so she said she would bring both of them in at the same time (it saved US time and HER time... win/win situation.) When she brought in the kittens my heart immediately melted. They were both SO cute and SO cuddly I couldn't pick just one.

We ended up adopting both kittens.

We surprised Claire with them. When I walked into my in-laws house with the box her eyes lit up. When I opened the box and she saw two kittens she was over the moon. Right then I realized that getting another cat was a good idea, that I was ultimately being selfish and not thinking about how much my daughter loves kittens.

She named them Sally and Susie.

Sally is all white, except for two patches of grey/black on her face, the tip of her tail, and a small patch on the back of her hind leg.

Susie is black, white, and orange calico.

I love our furry babies. More so than I ever thought I could.

The cycle of life.

Update: She still had not eaten anything by Monday afternoon, and was then trying to vomit. I called to talk to the vet who said that Pinky would most likely not get better, and that it would be wise to decide how much further we wanted to go. James and I decided it was best to put her to sleep. It was an emotional day for sure. Goodbye, sweet kitty.

For the past few days James and I had noticed that Pinky, our adorable tabby cat, has not been eating. He brought up the possibility that she might not like her food, so when I made my weekly trip to the grocery store I bought a new kind of dry cat food, and also a few cans of wet food to see if that would make a difference in her eating habits. When I got home and opened a can of food, Pinky immediately ran into the kitchen and devoured almost the entire can. I thought the situation was solved. Little did I know that something much more serious was going on.

It took Pinky three days to go through the next can of cat food. That is unusual behavior for her. I threw away the old can, opened a new one, and hoped she would eat the next can. It went untouched for 2 days. Last night I commented to James how Pinky slept in the same spot all day, didn't eat or drink, and therefore never used her litter box. We decided that she needed to be seen at the vet.
This morning, as soon as I dropped Claire off at school, I took Pinky in to see the vet. I was very nervous all morning as I just had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. When I got to the vet and explained the situation, they immediately took her back to run a feline leukemia test. The results weren't good. Thankfully it wasn't leukemia, but it is FIV... the feline equivilent of HIV. I was a crying mess. I told the vet, "You'll have to excuse me. I'm pregnant so my hormones are going to be a little chaotic." Once I calmed down a little bit, she explained the options, then gave me time to call James and discuss what we wanted to do.
Just like in humans, FIV is an auto-immune disease. Pinky, most likey, contracted the virus from her mother, and although she was tested for it when we first adopted her it didn't show up until later. FIV can be treatable, but since we're in the early stages of trying to figure out what to do we haven't gotten there yet. We opted to have fluid put under Pinky's skin to help with dehydration, and a round of antibiotics to see if that will help at all. Nothing we do is guaranteed to work. The goal is to get her through the weekend and go from there.

The hardest part about this whole situation is having to tell 4 year old Claire about the possibility that her cat might die. James and I told her over lunch today that Pinky is very sick. Claire immediately responded with, "I don't want Pinky to die!" Ouch. The potential loss of our cat is painful enough, but to hear those words come from the mouth of my baby just about killed me. When we got home this afternoon it really hit Claire. She started crying, hugged me tight, and kept saying, "I don't want Pinky to die."

I'm just hoping that Pinky pulls through, and that we'll be able to keep our kitty around for a little longer.

Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

I just got done reading this book.

Now, before you start judging me for reading a book by a "controversial" author, take a step back and ask yourself, "Have I ever hated the way I look? the way I feel about myself?" The answer is probably, most likely, a resounding, "YES!" Portia de Rossi's book has very little to do with her relatonship with Ellen Degeneres and everything to do with her struggle with an eating disorder and how she got there. For anyone who has had self-image and confidence issues I HIGHLY suggest reading this book. You will find a moderate amount of yourself, a lot about a disease that affects our society, and a little about how love really makes a difference.

I have always, always had image issues with my body. I can honestly say it started in middle school where most of my classmates were shorter, smaller, and prettier than me. I can't ever remember being shorter than 5'9", as if one day I went from being a little kid to being model height overnight. I have always had birthing hips. At my very first gynecologist appointment at just 15 years old, my doctor even commented on the width of my hips. I've always been a little chubby in my stomach and thighs. I used to envy the girls with flat, tight stomachs, and toned thighs that looked good in shorts. I had short, curly hair that I didn't know how to style, and a jawline and chin that seemed to disappear in my neck. The mindset of not being pretty enough carried over to highschool. It seemed like the girls in highschool were prettier, skinnier, tanner than I was. I hated that when I sat down in a desk I had a mound of stomach fat that rolled over the top of my jeans, but noticed that when the cheerleader girls sat down their stomachs were just as flat as they were when standing.

You know why I think I have body image issues? My mother. I don't mean to say that she's horrible for ruining the way I feel and think about myself, but rather I picked up on the insecurities she felt about her body. I've always thought my mom is beautiful, and hearing her say things about what she hated about her body made me think because they weren't good enough for my gorgeous mother they were definitely not good enough for me.

The transformation of acceptance started in college as I would stop comparing myself to other girls and try to just be me. Sure, I thought I wasn't nearly as pretty as my friends, and standing next to one friend in particular I felt like a fat cow, but in the back of my mind I just accepted the fact that I was who I was. It didn't start coming to the forefront and making a huge impact until moving into our house last year. One day I realized that I had stopped putting so much thought it what I was going to eat, and that I had maintained a healthy weight for a long period of time.

My pregnancy with Claire was textbook. I gained the ideal amount of weight, I had a fantastic delivery, breastfeeding came naturally. Most women don't get their periods while breastfeeding, and most women lose weight while breastfeeding. However, I got my period 3 weeks after Claire was born and continued having one regularly until conceiving my 2nd child. I also gained weight and was at my heaviest while breastfeeding. I weighed 175 pounds and didn't know what I did to get there. The summer I stopped breastfeeding Claire was the summer I went from 175 to 150 pounds. With WeightWatchers I counted points, but as long as I was within my point range I could eat whatever I wanted. I didn't stay with WeightWatchers forever, but it did change the way I ate and continue to eat to this day.

Portia de Rossi was anorexic and bulimic. She had a distorted perception of what she should look like and strived to make her body fit to society's standard. Unfortunately, it is not considered pretty to be over 120 pounds and wearing something other than a size 2. I found it quite enlightening that an extremely beautiful person, such as Portia de Rossi, experienced the same societal pressure as a "normal" human being. At the end of her book she comments,

"If you can acecpt your natural body weight - the weight that is easy for you to maintain, or your 'set point' - and not force it to beneath your body's natural, healthy weight, then you can live your life free of dieting, of restriction, or feeling guilty every time you eat a slice of your kid's birthday cake. But the key is to accept your body just as it is."

"Accept yourself. Love your body the way it is and feel grateful towards it."

"In order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are anot just what you look like."

I am in full agreement with Portia de Rossi that dieting is a "DISORDER." "ORDER" is eating what you want because you know you can always have it tomorrow. "ORDER" is listening to your body's needs and demands.

I highly suggest you read Unbearable Lightness. Maybe you'll be like me and realize, "Hey! I'm really okay with what I look like!" Or maybe you'll realize that you still have some work to do before you're finally comfortable with yourself. Portia de Rossi's book is for anyone and everyone who has struggled with their body image, the way they feel in their body, and gives you a little help in finding peace with who you are.

I love my jerb.

Just about everyday I webcam with my dear cousin, Candice. We sometimes sit and talk, but mostly we do our hosuework together. It keeps us both motivated knowing that the other is doing the same thing.

Sidenote: I love technology. Candice lives in Georgia. We've been fairly close since she had her first daughter, Rochelle, but it hasn't been until recently that we've started hanging out over the webcam. How amazing is that? Two completely different states and we hang out everyday. I love it!

Okay, so Sunday afternoon I made a list of things I wanted to get done the following week and weekend. My husband and I were organizing the basement, and the inspiration and motivation hit me to get more things that I may, or may not, have been putting off. I felt a little twinge of nesting and it felt goooood. Monday morning, after dropping Claire off at school, I got on the webcam with Candice and we immediately started working. I got my kitchen and entry floors vacuumed and mopped, my main floor vacuumed, and a load of laundry started. Not a bad way to start the week considering I've done no housework at all today.

During my chores it dawned on me how much I love my job. I don't necessarily enjoy doing laundry or vacuuming, and I especially hate cleaning my bathrooms, but I love the feeling I get when I can sit down, look around, and say "Wow! My house is clean!" I think I get the highest level of satisfaction with my job than I would ever receive anywhere else. Not only does keeping my house clean feel good, but it also keeps my family healthy and happy (not to mention my level of sanity.)

I was MADE for this job. God knew what He was doing when he made me a 20 year old mother.

Lack Thereof

I've been absolutely terrible about updating this thing. Why can't I be cool like everyone else that remembers to blog?

This is my awesome, stunning, hilarious, weird daughter of mine. She's wearing her aunt's sunglasses. I think she looks a bit buggy.

This is my awesome, stunning, hilarious, weird husband of mine. He hates taking pictures with me, but in this picture he looks like he doesn't mind so much. Oh but he does. Don't be fooled.

I think I'm just weird.

Fudgy yummy brownies

Try 'em! You'll like 'em!

Guaranteed.

Or...

I don't know what I can give you back, but I'm fairly confident you'll looooove this recipe.

Did I mention they're super easy? You'll never want to make brownies out of the box ev-er.

I guarantee that too.

BROWNIES:

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or margarine, melted

1 cup sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 eggs

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1/3 cup cocoa

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease 8- or 9- inch square baking pan. Beat butter, sugar and vanilla with spoon in large bowl. Add eggs; beat well. Stir together flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt; gradually add to egg mixture, beating until well blended. Spread in prepared pan. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until brownies begin to pull away from sides of pan.

Meanwhile prepare CHOCOLATE FROSTING.

CHOCOLATE FROSTING:

1 1/3 cups powdered sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa

3 tablespoons butter or margarine
2 tablespoons milk

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Place powdered sugar and cocoa in medium bowl. Heat butter and milk in small saucepan over low heat until butter is melted. Gradually beat into cocoa mixture, beating until smooth. Stir in vanilla. Spread warm frosting over warm brownies. Cool completely.

Voila. Enjoy!!

Old Dog New Tricks

I hate to admit this, but my mother-in-law has rubbed off on me. In the sense that I'm more conscious of what is in the food I buy or the products I use.

The lastest product to be thrown away: Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser.

Because I'm so cool I found my own, better, more economical magic eraser. And they are everyday ingredients you probably have stashed away in your kitchen.

Lemon and baking soda. Bada bing bada boom.

I recently used this method of cleaning on my handy dandy trusty crockpot. The stupid thing has had stains on the side of it that I haven't been able to get off with anything. Not even the magic eraser.

The other night I was looking through a book I have (it's amazing and everyone should own a copy of it) and I ran across a bathtub cleaner. I thought to myself, "If it works on a bathtub it will surely work on my crockpot!"

So I tried it.

And it was amazing.

I sprinkled baking soda in the bottom of the pot part of my crockpot, cut a lemon in half, squeezed the lemon halves, watched in amazement when the baking soda began to fizz, and started scrubbing away with my lemons.

Guess what? The stains DISAPPEARED!

So then I thought to myself, "Well if it performed miracles for my crockpot it will surely work wonders in my sink."

I repeated the process.

Guess what? My sink is gorgeous and shiny and white and bright.

I think the next time I try this I'll actually do it in my bathtub. Lord knows it needs a miracle.

Cloudy Day

I've been obsessed with The Pioneer Woman. Namely her blog and recipes.

Especially her recipes.

Like, Sour Cream Noodle Bake for example. Life changing. Seriously.

I was pokin' around on her blog today and found an entry she wrote about the best ways to write a blog. Or however she titled it. Needless to say, it inspired me. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, no? I'll try and make it my own.

I posted on Facebook the other day about how I made lasagna in the crockpot. I tried putting the recipe up on here, but the HTML wasn't working properly.

Let's try it again. If it's poopy then I'll scream. Loud.

Italian Sausage Lasagna

1 lb. Italian sausage

1/2 an onion, chopped

2 garlic cloves, chopped

2 cans (15 oz.) tomato sauce

2 teaspoons Italian seasoning

1 container (14 oz.) Ricotta cheese

1 cup grated Parmesan cheese

2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese

uncooked lasagna noodles

I think that's all the ingredients. Now for the fun assembly part.

Cook sausage, onion, and garlic until sausage is no longer pink. Add the tomato sauce and seasoning. Let simmer.

In a bowl combine all the cheeses.

Spray crockpot with cooking spray. Layer in the sausage mixture, 4 noodles, and cheese until full. Cook on low heat setting for 6-8 hours. 10 minutes before serving top with more mozzarella cheese.

I would recommend pouring half a jar of spaghetti sauce over the top of it before serving. And make sure you spray the crockpot like crazy. CRAZY I tell ya. Or you'll end up eating just the middle because the edges will be so burnt you'll want to vomit. Maybe not, but it does stink.

For the Sour Cream Noodle Bake recipe visit thepioneerwoman.com and search for it. It's life-changing. And you should definitely try that recipe before trying the lasagna one. Or try the lasagna one first and then the noodle one, but be prepared to never want to eat anything else in your life. It really is that good.

Lent 2011

It's Ash Wednesday. The start of Lent. Yesterday I thought about the different things I have given up over the years, and how ultimately they have prepared me for a bigger picture.

The year I got pregnant with Claire I gave up sleeping in past 9 o'clock. I was still going to school full-time and being pregnant I was always tired. But I pushed through it! Every chance I had to sleep in I was ALWAYS up before 9 o'clock. I think this prepared me for the many sleepless nights and early mornings I experienced with a newborn baby. Today, I still don't get many chances to sleep in. (But sleeping in for me nowadays is 8:30.)

The next year I gave up eating after dinner. I struggled with my weight after Claire was born. Especially from 3:00 in the afternoon and on I was staaaaarving. This was a real challenge as sometimes we would go out for ice cream after dinner or my MIL would make a delicious dessert. But I pushed through it!

This year I am giving up soda and spending money (except for essentials like groceries.) As we were heading out to dinner (I ruined what I planned to make last night) James said this was the last time we would eat out for all of Lent. So as a family we decided to give up going out to eat unless we weren't paying for it (his mom's birthday is Sunday and his dad had already planned on going out to eat that afternoon.) He made a good point: it's about breaking the habit. I'm anxious to see how my choices this year will affect me in the years to come. I want my bad habits of drinking too much Coke and spending money when I really shouldn't to be broken. And I want God behind it. Instead of putting energy into bad habits I want to use my time to enhance good habits. Like reading my Bible, spending more time playing with Claire, crafting, and being a good housewife.

I believe God has a lot in store for us this Lent season and the rest of this year. We just have to trust in Him.

"May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine upon us..." Psalm 67:1
"For he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever..." Ezra 3:11
"But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy." Psalm 68:3

How Great is Our God!

Happy Fat Tuesday!

I know Lent starts tomorrow, but I have been thinking about what I'm going to give up and/or become better at for a couple weeks now. One of the things I want to become better at is to be more diligent and faithful when it comes to reading my Bible everyday. When better to start than RIGHT NOW! After I got Claire taken care of this morning and got my house cleaned up a bit I sat down with my Bible. I have a beautiful ESV Bible that my mom got me for Christmas and in the back of it has a daily Bible reading guide. I looked up the chapters I needed for today and jumped right in. (When I have more time to sit down for a longer period of time I plan on catching up on the chapters I missed.) I keep a notebook in my Bible case specifically for the purpose of writing down verses and key points of what I read. I love looking back at what I've read and see what stood out to me.

The reading that stood out to me the most today came from Romans chapter 5. I took a class on Romans in college with an amazing professor and have been in love with this book ever since. I still have my notes from the class!

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have no been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have no received reconciliation." - Romans 5:1-11

How AWESOME are those words?! As believers, through faith, we have been justified and declared righteous forever and therefore we do not fear the wrath of God, but rather we have peace with God. That standing reassures me that I will be glorified and perfected on the day of judgment. That hope makes me JOYFUL!